Shower Thoughts with Shelly
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BE STRONG
“He told me that I wasn’t allowed to go with my sister, because he doesn’t trust her. He says that she doesn’t know how to conduct herself, so he can’t be comfortable with us running off like that. If he was my dad and I was 15, I’d understand, but I’m 30 and he’s my husband, and this doesn’t seem right…”
I know you weren’t actually talking to me, girl I overheard… but your message should be shared. As it turns out, your spouse does not have a right to forbid you from an activity. They may request that you hear them out about their misgivings or concerns. They can certainly tell you they’d rather you not (something). But it doesn’t seem right because you really aren’t a child, and he really doesn’t get to “allow” you to do something or “not allow” you to do something.
A marriage is a partnership between two consenting adults. A marriage is not a place where someone gets to make rules and another person must follow those rules. A healthy marriage is one where each person has expectations, and those expectations are clearly communicated between parties. Agreements and understandings, of course, are a part of these relationships. The thing is… agreements and understandings get input from both sides.
What’s more, I can’t help but wonder… even if your sister doesn’t know how to “conduct herself”… Even if your sister is somehow not trustworthy… are you not a grown woman that is capable of taking care of yourself, including in a situation that was less than desirable? How is your sister or any other company not being trustworthy by someone else’s standards affecting your own personal morals or convictions and therefore making you unable to be trusted? The excuse that it isn’t you, it’s someone in your company that he “doesn’t trust” is a thinly veiled lie. Possibly in the company of a serial killer or known human abductor it would qualify as a reason… But somehow I don’t believe that’s the situation we’re talking about here. I’ll also bet that even if you express the same sentiment back, that you don’t trust someone, he dismisses you and says you’re being unreasonable, doesn’t he?
What you have is someone who is trying to control you, and not in a healthy way. Time for some serious discussions and possibly a therapist… but not time for you to allow someone to emotionally or psychologically abuse you by projecting their own shortcomings and failures onto you.
Be strong. Stand up door yourself. Know your worth, and demand you receive it. There is not a soul on this earth that is entitled to make you feel the way you expressed to your friend in that coffee shop last week, be it husband, parent, friends, or otherwise. You do not belong to another person, no other person deserves to tell you who you are. You are correct. It doesn’t seem right, because it is not right. Now demand better.