Tessie’s Two Cents

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Be a supportive and positive presence

Dear Tessie,

My siblings and I are trying to navigate dealing with an aging parent. It seems like our mother has aged much more quickly since COVID and then even more after the recent death of our father. Mom used to be very independent but has become extremely dependent on whoever is in the house with her, so it’s getting more difficult. I’m not the main caretaker, but how can I do more to help my sibling that is her main caretaker to take care of her daily needs?

Sincerely,

The Youngest Child

 

Dear Youngest,

The aging of parents is, of course, something we all expect… and yet it seems to take each and every one of us a little by surprise. But I suppose that’s the nature of having your own caretaker transition to the one you’re taking care of. It’s natural that we take care of our children, but a bit confusing when we take care of our parents. Once COVID crashed into all of our lives like a bull in a fine China shop, it has really taken some work to get all the pieces picked up out of the floor.

It’s especially hard to make that transition when you grew up seeing your parent as a lively and independent person. And little by little as things get more difficult for them, you might not really think too much about it. But then one day it will smack you like a sack of rocks that your parent(s) have gotten old, and you’re doing more and more to assist them. It’s OK to need to adjust to this. Take a deep breath… it’ll be alright.

In any care situation, there are a few things I feel that are more helpful to folks than others. Whether it be the caretaker of an elderly person or an infant, it is extremely draining to be there all hours and seeing to their needs. I will always advocate that being a supportive and positive presence is one of the most important things you can do. A caretaker figure does not need someone to come in and tell them what else they need to do.

Simple tasks can really take a load of stress off of a caretaker. Picking up and delivering groceries, medications, and supplies so that they don’t have to get their charge out of the house… providing meals occasionally or offering them a couple of hours break goes a lot further than you might expect. Offer to wash some clothes or fold the load that they’ve already washed. Wash dishes so they can relax or attend to another chore that should be done. Do those dishes while the main caretaker takes out the trash and goes for a 10-minute walk outside while they’re at it, just so they get a little fresh air and sunshine.

Try not to fret, but also don’t simply follow around the caretaker asking what you can do. Trying to make a caretaker come up with another idea could be just the mentally exhausting extra task that really brings them down. Just as much, and especially in a sibling taking care of an aging parent situation, making sure that the caretaker just knows they are appreciated can be a great boost.

Love,

Tessie