Tessie’s Two Cents

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Don’t lose yourself

Dear Tessie,

I recently got a new vehicle. It’s not that I really wanted a new vehicle, I was happy with what I had, but circumstances required a change. I made the decision to not buy another midsize SUV and instead to get a truck, because I felt like it would better suit my needs, and I grew up driving trucks anyway. My husband is upset and swears that I somehow made that decision as a power move against him or to teach him a lesson. I love my truck for me, and my choices had nothing to do with him. Am I missing something?

A.M.

 

Dear A.M.,

The beauty of the world is that we are all different. Each of us has different tastes, different opinions, and even different core beliefs. And while we are influenced by those around us, or our ideas might align with some of our friends, we will still come out the other side with our own individual answers because we each have our own minds.

Occasionally, you’ll have someone in your life that you’re close to who begins to think you are an extension of their own self-image, less that you are an individual, with wants, needs, and ideas all your own. You should always hold steadfast to your individuality because losing that to accommodate someone else becomes codependence and enmeshment. Essentially, you lose yourself and become a reflection of someone else, creating a lot of inner turmoil and confusion.

You can’t let someone make you feel as if by being an individual with your own wants and needs you are betraying them. That’s a highly manipulative scheme and is incredibly unfair. I would suggest your husband consider the situation a little more closely and try to identify what feelings he is struggling with that he is projecting onto you. A vehicle is a functional tool for daily use. If one of his friends got a new or different vehicle, would it be an attack on him? If he decided to get a different vehicle, would it be an attack on you? What inner battle is he fighting that makes him feel this way? That’s work that he needs to do on his individual identity, not you.

Love,

Tessie