Setting boundaries

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Have a Question About Life’s Little Problems?

Tessie’s Two Cents

Dear Tessie,

I recently got upset with my mother-in-law and put my foot down, and now she’s not speaking to me. My husband says I was too harsh, but I don’t think so. She keeps coming over to the house without warning and letting herself in the door she knows won’t be locked. She scared me that last day and I yelled at her, and I told her she needed to learn to knock or be ready to get hit with something when she surprised me. She got mad and called me rude, and said she couldn’t believe I would be so unwelcoming, and she left. Now she won’t speak to me and told my husband I need to be more friendly. Am I wrong?

Laura

Dear Laura,

What may be a part of the problem is that your mother-in-law hasn’t been made to or doesn’t feel like she should have to accept responsibility for her actions. If it is your home and your space, and she chooses to barge in without even the courtesy of a knock, that is a clear lack of respect for you and your home.

Now, when you set a boundary and it makes someone else uncomfortable, it is not your responsibility to smooth over tension. You don’t need to protect folks from the discomfort of their own bad moves. If folks would rather not feel that discomfort, they should respect the ones around them.

It makes sense that someone would feel awkward or strange when you draw attention to their having crossed a line. We should all be responsible for our own actions and should take responsibility for our missteps. Always pretending that you are perfect or that you are somehow above respecting others is a quick way to lose the ones you love.

Remind your husband that you are a union, a team. While he might once have belonged on a team with his mother you chose to create your own team, independently.

Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself, Laura. It might make some folks uncomfortable, but that says far more about them than you.

Love,

Tessie